Saturday June 12

I don't know

Auuggggg! I don't know how to explain this feeling. It's got to be hormonal. It might be worse for someone with ADD. I don't know but EVERYTHING is bugging me. The normal things that bug me tha I can blow off are like 10 times worse than usual. I got so overwhelmed at being irritiated last night that I just had to go home. Simple conversations aren't simple. It's like talking in a foriegn language and I don't have my normal patience to get through it. I am thinking that if I were eating better right now that this might not be so bad but I have felt like this many times in my life and I can't say that I have ever paid enough attention to it to say that I knew my eating habbits at the time. I know I have a hard time in November and have for at leat 15 years if not longer. This spring summer issue hasn't be going on as long. Like I said I have never written it down so I don't know its cyle. I am not calling it PMS because it's not monthly. If it was I may have killed myself already. I so truly HATE being so emotionaly out of control.

I don't feel that I am depressed. I feel emotionaly out of control which makes me want to lock myself away because I can't handle any normal situation and that does depress me but it is a result not a cause. I want to say that the ADD use to do this but it could just be this THING and I was just not aware of it. Age gives me awareness. I can see the pattern now when it comes and I can explain it to people (not that it helps) but some people understand. Is it fair to ask people to walk on egg shells until it passes? I don't know.

Here is how it goes. Normal things that piss me off a little but I can usually blow off are big things right now. Some things (once I know I am in this state) just need to be avoided. Other things (like living in the house with my family) can't be avoided. So what I think I should be able to do is say "I'm in a bad place right now so don't piss me off." I just don't have the extra patience. A couple of people get this and the reason I believe it is hormonal is 2 fold. One is because the feeling is cyclical and second is because the people who understand are all female. Is this meonpause. I don't know. Like I've said I have felt like this before. I am kicking myself for not writing stuff down 15 years ago but who does that. I have always had severe PMS. I was hoping that I would just float through menopause because PMS has always been so bad.

So here is how this all relates to eating. I feel bad, sad, depressed. When I feel like this I want to be comforted so I want to eat. What do I eat? Comfort foods. Salty sweet swelling foods. How do I feel after I eat? BAD! So, now that I am aware I am in this place, I am going to do my best to eat well.This morning I am going to have a Yoplait smoothy with protien. This is more comforting that plain protien powder and not as healthy but definately not as bad as the Costco banana nut muffin or the hashbrowns, sausage and egg that I would rather be eating right now.

The bad thing is that I feel bad. The good thing is that I caught it early and I am aware of it and I am going to try to deal with it by eating well, not drinking alcohal maybe even exercising and writing. I am really glad I wrote this down. I feel better. Oh ya, I am also going to do my stress relief hypnosis. Before I would have been depressed because I hate this feeling. I would want everyone around me to now piss me off. Which still would be nice but they just don't get it. I would eat and drink a lot which makes me feel physically bad afterward and may even prolong the whatever this is.

OK! I feel better so I'm gonna go now. I did not proof read today.