Saturday June 12

I don't know

Auuggggg! I don't know how to explain this feeling. It's got to be hormonal. It might be worse for someone with ADD. I don't know but EVERYTHING is bugging me. The normal things that bug me tha I can blow off are like 10 times worse than usual. I got so overwhelmed at being irritiated last night that I just had to go home. Simple conversations aren't simple. It's like talking in a foriegn language and I don't have my normal patience to get through it. I am thinking that if I were eating better right now that this might not be so bad but I have felt like this many times in my life and I can't say that I have ever paid enough attention to it to say that I knew my eating habbits at the time. I know I have a hard time in November and have for at leat 15 years if not longer. This spring summer issue hasn't be going on as long. Like I said I have never written it down so I don't know its cyle. I am not calling it PMS because it's not monthly. If it was I may have killed myself already. I so truly HATE being so emotionaly out of control.

I don't feel that I am depressed. I feel emotionaly out of control which makes me want to lock myself away because I can't handle any normal situation and that does depress me but it is a result not a cause. I want to say that the ADD use to do this but it could just be this THING and I was just not aware of it. Age gives me awareness. I can see the pattern now when it comes and I can explain it to people (not that it helps) but some people understand. Is it fair to ask people to walk on egg shells until it passes? I don't know.

Here is how it goes. Normal things that piss me off a little but I can usually blow off are big things right now. Some things (once I know I am in this state) just need to be avoided. Other things (like living in the house with my family) can't be avoided. So what I think I should be able to do is say "I'm in a bad place right now so don't piss me off." I just don't have the extra patience. A couple of people get this and the reason I believe it is hormonal is 2 fold. One is because the feeling is cyclical and second is because the people who understand are all female. Is this meonpause. I don't know. Like I've said I have felt like this before. I am kicking myself for not writing stuff down 15 years ago but who does that. I have always had severe PMS. I was hoping that I would just float through menopause because PMS has always been so bad.

So here is how this all relates to eating. I feel bad, sad, depressed. When I feel like this I want to be comforted so I want to eat. What do I eat? Comfort foods. Salty sweet swelling foods. How do I feel after I eat? BAD! So, now that I am aware I am in this place, I am going to do my best to eat well.This morning I am going to have a Yoplait smoothy with protien. This is more comforting that plain protien powder and not as healthy but definately not as bad as the Costco banana nut muffin or the hashbrowns, sausage and egg that I would rather be eating right now.

The bad thing is that I feel bad. The good thing is that I caught it early and I am aware of it and I am going to try to deal with it by eating well, not drinking alcohal maybe even exercising and writing. I am really glad I wrote this down. I feel better. Oh ya, I am also going to do my stress relief hypnosis. Before I would have been depressed because I hate this feeling. I would want everyone around me to now piss me off. Which still would be nice but they just don't get it. I would eat and drink a lot which makes me feel physically bad afterward and may even prolong the whatever this is.

OK! I feel better so I'm gonna go now. I did not proof read today.

Thursday June 10

283.4 wtf

I got a letter today from the insurance company that stated that I DO qualify for bariatric surgery. Yeah. Well kind of. There was a bunch of mumbo jumbo in there that says it might not cover everything. It is very frustrating. I need to get moving on my 30 lbs. I think I am closer to being successful with that. I can concentrate so I will write more later.

Wedneday June 9

281.5

My poles are great. Our friends have a discgolf course and it is semi hilly. Eli, Jeanne, Devon, Isabelle and I walked a good portion of it yesterday and I did great. Today I am sore but that's ok. Today Eli wanted to go on a walk but it was raining so he asked if we could go swim in Ann's pool. Eli knows that Ann's pool is bath tub temperature so we can go in the rain. Nathan went with us and it was a blast. We are getting him comfortable with getting his face in the water. He really doesn't like it. My back hurts but the water was the best place for me today. Thanks Ann!

I am doing ok with the sugars. Well better than I am with salts. Someone left a piece of banana muffin next to the computer this morning and it went really well with my coffee. Then for breakfast I had a protien shake with 2 scoops of powder and a banana. Nachos for lunch.

Haven't heard from the surgeon or the insurance. I did hang up on a witheld call on my cell but they need to not be with held or get to the damn phone right away. I think I am starting menopause. Maybe, who knows. I will let you know when it is over. I just feel crazy. My add is bad right now. I can't focus on simple conversations and it frustrates me. I am sure it frustrates those around me. At least once my weight drops my blood pressure should go down and then I can get my meds again.

I am eating a couple of bites of one of those fruit juice bars that I could barely choke down awhile ago becaue it was so sweet. I am having no problem. NOT A GOOD THING! It's orange instead of strawberry but still. Eli is sitting on the toilet making shooting noices. My kids use to sing.

Saturday June 5

Not sure

I have not been writing cuz I have been busy eating. LOL Not really LOL but I have been eating a lot. Sugar and salt are back. I just don't understand why, when I know I feel better when I don't eat these things, I continue to eat them. I also have been drinking. I LOVE TO DRINK! I hate the way I feel afterward. Again! Why do I do things that hurt. I have pain when I don't eat and I can't stand that pain but I surely can handle a hang over or the results of being morbidly obese. These are the things I really have to get a grip on so that when I have the surgery that I don't gain the weight back.

On Tuesday the surgeons office called and said that the insurance called and said that they need a 5 year weight history by 4 PM central time on Wednesday. WHAT a CROCK of SHIT! I have been sitting around waiting for something to happen for over a month and all of a sudden they need this info by tomorrow! Well, I think it's a ploy to turn you down. Well, I got the damn weight history to the surgeon and she got it to the insurance. HA to the MAN!

So for Mother's Day I got boxing gloves with sparing pads. Not used them even once! Eli has used them more than I have. But this week I walking poles. I used them today to walk up our dirt road. I got my heart rate up and sweated like crazy. That is good. The pain isn't there. I don't know the difference but there is a huge one.

Hopefully I am back. I need to eat better and exercise at the same time.